Do you believe this?

This entry is a reflection on this week’s Gospel, Jn 11:1-45 .

While in college, I told my mom that I didn’t believe in Jesus, and that I didn’t want to be Catholic, anymore. I was tired of going to church, and made the excuse that I just didn’t “feel” God in my life.

For a very long time, I presumed faith was based on how I “feel” God in my life. I pondered… the Samaritan woman at the well, to the healing of the man born blind, and this week in bringing Martha’s brother Lazarus back to life… sometimes I wished God would do some of that for me!

I realize now that I was waiting for the wrong thing, and that feelings alone are too fleeting. In these Gospel encounters leading up to Easter, the miracles aren’t the highlight, but rather the single question Jesus asks, personally. Standing face to face, eye to eye, Jesus asked, “Do you believe?”

Yes, or No?

And each – the Samaritan woman, the blind beggar, and Martha (before any miracle while Lazarus lay dead), had to make a decision.

I can only imagine what that choice would feel like. To actually stand facing Jesus. A man as kind and com-passionate as he is, yet also someone who would tell me when I am wrong. A man who would speak truth to me, in the right way, at the right time. A man who I may have seen do incredible things.

He would ask me, too, candidly, “Do YOU believe?”

So after proclaiming to my mom back then that I wanted to be Catholic no-more, I quickly realized Jesus asked the same question of me. And I wrestled with it. And asked God to ask me again… please not this week but next week. And the next week after that. And the next one, after that.

What saved my faith was to pray that God help make the choice clearer to me, regularly. I imagined Jesus standing in front of me, and asking me face to face. I could ask questions back to Jesus if I struggled.

After reading this week’s Gospel, what if you were standing there when Jesus asked Martha? What if Jesus suddenly turned to you and asked, “Do you believe?” How would you respond?